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Sunday, March 30, 2014

A Very Jekyll and Hyde Weekend

I feel as though I'm at a crossroads of sorts. I went to an Isagenix training Friday night. It was great and it was tough. I was faced with some realities and I think my scaredy lion came roaring back. I feel like tucking my tail between my legs and giving up. You see the speaker at this event is an Isagenix millionaire. Would I like to be a millionaire? Sure. But that's not what I dream about. I dream about being a successful woman. I dream about being a leader in my community. I dream about helping people with my God given talents. And those talents ARE given to me by God. So, what I realized within the first few minutes was that this speaker is all of that. She is a woman. I, however, feel as though I am a mere girl, playing dress up. As the speaker shared her story I pulled so many similarities from my own life. What ultimately blew me away was that we are the same age and this hit me harder than I would have expected.

You see, I've made it to a point in my life that I can honestly say that I love myself. I deserve love and happiness. I am worthy. What has blindsided me is that those feelings of unworthiness have crept back in. Only this time it's related to success and business. I feel unworthy of being successful. There. I said it. All of my doubts and fears are weighing me down. I'm stuck in this in-between place where I know I have these skills. I know I could be really good at it. But I've got all of these doubts. I couldn't run my own business. Why would a client pay me to help them? I'll never make it.

I wrote the above last night. Since then I've had my biggest fan give me one of his speeches. My husband is my biggest supporter and he's always on my side. He tells me the truth, not just what I want to hear. One of the things that I didn't want to hear was that I have too many things on my plate. I know it's true. I just don't want to hear it. I've got too many things on the go and I don't want to drop any of them because I don’t want to disappoint anyone or let anyone down. Here's the thing about juggling too many balls at once a lot of balls get dropped. Because I have too many items on my agenda I'm not able to put in the effort I would like and a lot of things get put off or even forgotten about because something else came up that was a priority. With all of this in mind I came to three decisions. I decided to let one thing go immediately. The second one I will start the stepping back process until I can completely bow out at least at this stage in my life. The last one is to focus more on my health and well-being, which ultimately is the whole idea of letting go of some items on my agenda.

Once I made my decisions I did some spring cleaning to help with my newly decluttered mind. I went through my very cluttered inbox that held over 1200 emails and brought that number down to 59. In the process I rediscovered the Harlem Globe Trotter tickets that I received as a Christmas gift. The event is next Sunday! Can you imagine if I hadn't gone back through my email in time?

Then I moved into the kitchen and organized it as well. You see, we were given a pantry a few days ago and I still hadn't cleaned it out. It's clean now. My spices and baking supplies have filled the pantry! And now I have so much cupboard space!

It's amazing how quickly your viewpoint can open up once you make a decision. What holds me back is the indecision. Indecision leads me to overwhelm and procrastination. What this looks like on the outside is a lot of tv watching and laziness.

I am a woman of many interests and I try to take them all on at once - like any good "superwoman". That is until I gravity pulls me crashing back down to the real world. I can't do it all. I can't learn everything at once. I can't volunteer for everything little thing that interests me.

This weekend was a good bump in the road. It helped me around some hurdles that were blocking me path. I can see clearly again and I am at peace. Or at least my current version of peace. 

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