Rant - Sporting Goods Stores

Today marks Day 3 of getting healthy. I've been doing okay for the most part but not great. I ended up eating junk late last night and while still in my calorie range it definitely wasn't healthy or helpful. I'm not giving up. I know this is my umpteenth try at getting healthy and losing weight but if I don't try I'll never get there. 

I'm ticked off. I know that I'm a large woman. Scratch that. I know I'm fat. I also know that I'm not the only fat person in the world, let alone the city of Ottawa. So, why is it that stores that sell sports clothing do not carry anything larger than L or XL? (At least not in the women's sections.) Like come on! How are people who are struggling to lose weight and get healthy supposed to feel when they can't find anything to work out in? At times it can be a setback. 

I have a bike again and I'd really like to find some bike shorts. Apparently, that's not going to happen until after I've already lost all my weight. Thanks..that's helpful. I'm going to check out a few more stores, and at this point I don't even care if they're men's or women's bike shorts. In fact it's not even just bike shorts. Try and find any decent athletic wear for someone larger than an XL, it's next to impossible.

You know what else bothers me? That fat people are made to feel even worse when they finally do something about their weight. Now, I know some of it is our own insecurities, but not always. You walk into a sporting goods store and no one offers to help you. Walk into a supplement store and they practically scoff at you. It's like "Hello! I know I'm fat. Don't you think if anyone should be here it's me?" I just find this utterly ridiculous.

I get very self-conscious when I workout. I find it very hard to go into public to workout. Going for walks is the worst, because I find myself looking at the people running by thinking they're judging me. I've seen a few looks to prove that theory although I admit a lot of the time it's mostly just me judging me. 

I find it easier with biking. I'm not in the same spot for long and I enjoy it so much I usually don't think about being the fat girl on a bike. I'm hoping to start biking this weekend. I overdid it the first day out with my seat in the wrong position. As you can imagine...that led to a problem sitting back down on my bike seat. For now I am letting myself heal before starting up again. I'm hoping to log a lot of miles this summer.

Here's a picture of my bike and helmet:

Old Baggage

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As I've grown through my life I've learned to let go of the past and look toward the future. At times, I've had to remove myself from situations or distance myself from certain people. All of these steps have helped me grow into the person I am today. For the most part I'm a strong and confident woman, wife and mother. 

There are times when little things sneak up on you that you thought were long gone. I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I have to say I was never physically abused and the purpose of my writing this is not to point fingers or lay blame. I've made my peace with the past a long time ago. There are, however, aspects not specific to any one person or event that are affecting me now. 

In addition to an alcoholic parent, I've also been in a relationships with alcoholics. Now, I'm not condoning having a drink here and there. I've been known to drink in my day. Although, I can no longer drink any alcohol at all. There's some sort of enzyme thingy that I'll just equate to being allergic to alcohol. By the way, I love when people say to just drink through it. Really? Do you really think that's good advice? 

Okay, so my long winded way of getting to the point is this - lately I've been really bothered by the smell of alcohol. Rationally, I know people have a drink or two and rationally I'm okay with this. Emotionally, I feel like a defensive little girl who has to walk on eggshells to avoid conflict. That's what it feels like and I still don't think that's accurate enough. 

I smell alcohol and immediately my back is in the air like a cat sensing danger. I keep my distance so I can still carry on a normal conversation, meanwhile my insides are churning. I'm not sure I can really articulate how I feel about it but I felt I had to try. I have to get this out and written down. I need to release whatever this is. 

It's been so long since I've been able to drink even an occasional glass of wine. Honestly, I no longer see the appeal. Then again I could say the same about cigarettes. When you've removed yourself for so long it loses it's appeal and you wonder what was so good about it to begin with. 

At a retreat I went to earlier this year the speaker talked about forgiveness. When you release something and you ask God's forgiveness, it's gone - forever. The devil loves to play the shame card and remind us of our past sins. So, I'm going to remind myself that it wasn't my fault the people in my past were alcoholics. I'm a stronger person today because of what I went through. Ultimately, I am FORGIVEN. No one can take that away. 

Let Go - Let God!

You Are My Sunshine!

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I just had to share with you all today that I'm in such a super awesome mood! I'm going on vacation tomorrow to be in one of my dearest friend's weddings! I had my hair fixed last night by an amazing stylist! I started taking Yaz so I feel like I'm actually DOING something about my PMDD! Don't worry I know I wouldn't feel it's effects yet. I'm just happy to be trying something to help manage the PMDD. It's days like today that remind me I am NOT depressed. This is NOT depression. I'm currently in the good weeks, I've got until somewhere around the 18th before The Crazies set in again. 

OH! So, I find as I get older the more girlie I get. Okay, feminine I'm too old for girlie. This weekend my lil sis came by and showed me how to do my makeup for the wedding. I mean I wear makeup but the bare essentials, eye liner and mascara. I've never been confident enough to put eye liner on the top of my lid so she showed me how. She also made me promise to practice every day. Thank you Dre. I think I've got the hang of it and I'm liking it!! I still haven't been confident enough to put liner on the outside of my bottom lid, but that's okay. I came up with my own style. Liner on outside of the top lid and liner on the inside of the bottom one. I like it and I think that's what matters. I'll even wear color on my lips the day of the wedding! Ha ha that's huge for me!

Anyhoo, this is probably my last post until after my vacation. Pray for safe travels for those of us traveling to Pennsylvania and back. 

I love you all! Smile and have a great week/weekend!

~PEACE~

More on PMDD - Yaz It Up!

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Well, I finally did it; I met my mum-in-law's doctor. The doctor seems nice enough and I found it easier to talk to a female doctor about my PMDD. Although, I did have to explain what it was - which kind of caught me off guard. You expect a doctor to just know everything which is totally unrealistic, but we still expect it. 

I should have gone in there with a definition of PMDD because I'm sure I missed something. She thinks I should be on anti-depressants, but I stressed that I do not have benefits. So, we're going to try me on Yaz birth control for 3 months. I'll go back to see her in 2 months to see how things are going. I guess she'll decide at that time if she wants to officially take me as a patient. She said she'd take me on for now. I have no idea what that means, but I'll take it since I currently have no doctor. Besides she gave me 3 months of trial packs of Yaz - free!

It still amazes me that medical professionals don't believe certain illnesses/disorders do not exist because there is no blood test to prove it. It's like Fibromyalgia - a lot of doctors still think it's in a patients head. With PMDD they think it's just PMS. 

I tried to explain that my symptoms are only surrounding my period. The week or so before to a few days after my period. My "normal" time I'm relatively happy and thankful for my life. How is that depression? Isn't depression ALL the time? Not just surrounding your period? 

Now, I know there's no miracle cure, but I'm feeling hopeful to actually be trying something to relieve my symptoms. I've read a lot of information on Yaz. Yes, even the lawsuit stuff about how the commercials are misleading women to think that all of their symptoms will be gone. I never expected they'd all be gone and I still don't expect Yaz to "cure" me but if it helps relieve some or most of my symptoms it's worth a try isn't it? I've also read a lot of comments on other women's success/failure with Yaz. Looking at them as a whole it seems the women Yaz didn't work for generally have problems with any birth control pill. I know it's been many years since I've taken anything but I don't recall any trouble when I took birth control before.

I've also read how many women developed PMDD after getting their tubes tied, which is when mine started as well. When I mentioned this to the doctor she dismissed it since tubaligation does not affect your hormones. Now, I admit I always had bad periods (at least at the time I thought they were bad). They always lasted the full 7 days and they were always heavy (again what I thought was heavy at the time). 

I have a theory. My theory is that it is ALL related. I mean I started my period shortly before my 9th birthday and I'm now 30. I've had 3 babies and had my tubes tied. Add to that my weight. You put all of those things together and I think the tubaligation threw my body out of whack. When many women go through similar things I don't think a doctor can discount it just because the procedure itself doesn't affect hormones.

Doctors are smart, but diagnosing an illness is not the same as living with it. Ask the husband of any PMDD affected woman and he'll tell you this is not regular PMS. Ask the children of moms with PMDD. 

- sigh- 

My poor kids. I wonder if they think I hate them. It seems I'm always so frustrated with them. All I ever do is yell (or cry for that matter).

TO ALL THE DOCTORS OUT THERE:

PMDD exists! I don't care how many of you try to pawn it off as depression. This is not depression. Anti-depressants will only help so much. You can't treat just one of the symptoms. You have to treat it for what it is. It IS Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Try to listen to your patients. Don't roll your eyes. Broaden your horizons and maybe read up on an illness/disorder you don't know much about. That is the best way to truly help your patient.

I know my thoughts are kind of all over the place, but hey that's how my brain works. I will keep you posted on how things go with Yaz. For now, I've got to kick my butt into high gear. I've got a wedding to go to! I leave Thursday morning and I haven't started packing yet. I did pull out the suitcase which is usually half the battle. Have a great day. 

Oh and my new mantra.... Let Go - Let God. When I get super stressed out I repeat this to myself.So, my friends do not worry about anything - Let Go and Let God.

The Guilt Within

Cover of The Crazies

Why is it as parents, as human beings we feel guilty over everything?! I know I can't trust my emotions right now, that I'm in full PMDD swing, but it all starts somewhere doesn't it? I mean really the reasons I get upset are valid it's my overreaction to everything that's not. 

So here it is...I feel like I'm this monster of a mom and while I know right now I'm overreacting I also know that I'm right. The television is my substitute. This week I can't be in the same room as my kids for long without something setting me off. I gave the kids a bath tonight and when the boys ignored my request for them to turn around and face me so I could wash their hair I yelled. Literally hurting my throat trying to get their attention. So valid in that the kids were ignoring me but my overreaction was totally not valid. Herein-lies the problem of my monster within. 

How do people do it? When they get really stressed out? How do they cope with still having to get through the day to day stuff? How does one calmly put her kids to bed without screaming at the top of her lungs? I miss being able to sing to them and say good night.

Guilt is everywhere. From little things like spending any money on something just for yourself, putting aside a friend you're too busy to see, procrastinating at all those little things that need to get done, to the big stuff like going on a trip and leaving the kids with your spouse. A lot of people have guilt over the past and can't let it go. Or guilt for the future. Guilt is everywhere. 

With PMDD I have the extra guilt from when my emotions get out of control and I snap. Today is one of those days. I've started calling days like today the crazies, as in it's just the crazies or the crazies have me.

With all of this I know what most of you are thinking, why don't you go see your doctor? Well, I tried in September. I called the doctor but it was going to take over a month to see him. Finally in December I find a new doctor and go see him. When I told him about the PMDD he rolled his eyes! I know he's a man, but really?! Then I went back to ignoring the problem. Well, as things have been steadily getting worse I knew I needed to go to the doctor. I called my original doctor to find out Hey he's no longer practicing! So, my mum-in-law went to see her doc recently (a FEMALE doctor!) and she asked her to take me on. The doctor agreed and I have an appointment June 7th. Wish me luck! I'm going to talk to her about many things, the main one being PMDD.

I often joke that I need a break from my kids. I came to a realization tonight. The truth of the matter is that I don't need a break from the kids what I really need is a break from myself. With that thought, I'm off to have a nice long shower and then watch this weeks episode of Glee.

My Garden

It's that time of year when everyone goes gardening crazy. This year I joined in on the fun. This is the first time I've ever had my own garden. I've planted and weeded gardens before but never from inception. I also haven't had a back yard in a very long time. 

I sat down one day and planned out what I wanted to do in the back yard. Then I borrowed a friend's garden claw and started tilling. This was quite the feat as I came across some rather large rocks. One such rock took me about 45 minutes to dig up. Of course, after I'd been digging for a good 40 minutes my husband says "You know we have a crowbar that would probably work better at getting that rock out".      O_o      Really?! After 40 minutes NOW he tells me! Well, sure enough the crowbar worked and the rock was out in moments. 

Here is my rock still in the ground, right after my husband suggested the crowbar. Once I had that puppy in my hand I knew it would be out in a matter of moments so I took a snapshot of my hard work.  

Here is the rock all cleaned off with the addition of one of the kids dinosaurs that was left in the yard. (I couldn't resist.) This rock weighs a tonne! It now sits proudly in the corner of my veg garden for all the world to see.

And here are the actual garden pictures with before and after shots:

My grass...isn't it pretty? It even feels nice in bare feet! (Now that's NICE grass!) This patch used to be all weeds. 

Here's my veg garden. I tilled it. This is where the giant rock was dug out. Ben mixed the soil and peat moss and then planted the veg. We planted tomatoes, red and green peppers, cucumber, zucchini and summer squash (but the picture looks like yellow zucchini so it's my mystery veg). If you look closely you'll see that I lined the edge of the gardens with rock. These rocks all came from my back yard and I think add character to my garden. Silly to some, but I absolutely adore it!

I wasn't going to put anything here, except new grass, but when I bought my veg the lilies were $2 and I couldn't resist. I'm a little worried about them because they're a little brown, but from what I understand lilies are pretty hearty so I'm hoping they'll perk up soon. If you look closely in the after picture I've got rocks bordering the lilies as well.

The next project for the back yard is to throw grass seed over the rest of the "lawn" which at the moment is only green because of the weeds. The other project for the yard is to put in patio stones which I'm  really excited about. This project will take longer than I'd originally hoped because it's more expensive than I'd first thought. I may just buy a couple of stones at a time until I have enough and then we'll do the installation. You can probably tell I'm super excited to have a real backyard and to be able to actually do something with it. The funny thing is we pretty much fight over who's going to do the watering! I can definitely say I've been getting a lot of sun this year and spending some REAL time outside! Most years I pretty much stay inside where it's cool. This year has been great so far - hot but not all that humid. It's been great and I hope it stays like this!