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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Kick A$$!!

A complete weight training workout can be perf...Image via Wikipedia
Holla Peeps! Here I am! Did you miss me again? I know, I know..it's been two weeks since my last post. I have good news though! I haven't given up.

The motivation thing totally struck a chord with me and I haven't been relying on motivation. I've been dragging my butt to my homemade gym and working out.Out of the last 27 days I have worked out 14 of those days! As most of my loyal followers know this is HUGE for me! I tend to do well for a few days and then let something get in the way. Not this time. I'm still at it and just in time too, winter is around the corner. I think I'll do well this winter since I'm already setup with my workouts.

Most of my workouts are from 20-40 minutes depending on the day. I've got 4 workouts that I do regularly - two upper body and two lower body. I discovered a different way of doing cardio at home without a machine. I'm currently only doing about 10 minutes of cardio per workout and I do plan to increase that time but for now that 10 minutes is kicking my behind. I've narrowed it down to a circuit of 4 exercises - toe taps (20), froggy jumps (10), wall push-ups (20) and jump squats (10). I'm trying to add a fourth set of the circuit but I'm not there yet. I'm heaving by the end of my circuit. I then immediately go into my weight training.

I've hurt myself a few times trying to get my routine down. I've discarded a few exercises which just aren't for me...like step jumping jacks....such a bad idea! Let's just say I lack landing control which leads to some major pain!

This month I've been focused on exercise and just getting it done. I'm so pleased to report that it's working for me. Now, I have to concentrate on calories. While I have been tracking my calories I haven't been very diligent with remaining within my daily calories.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my last post, but I had a run in with my PMDD this month. So, over the course of the last month's birth control pill pack I missed four pills. Let me tell you I discovered how vital that little pill is to my sanity. I went back to my crazy PMDD self for 2 weeks, all because I missed four pills. I make sure I take my purse with me everywhere I go now. At least I can say lesson learned, birth control is vital to my sanity and quality of life.


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Monday, October 18, 2010

Waiting for the Motivation Train

Good Morning People. Wow! It's been a long time since I last posted. In fact it's been a month and 10 days! This post is way overdue.

Let me start by saying

Hello, Old Friend! I've missed you. How've you been?

Well, I've had a month of ups and downs. In September I hurt my wrist biking. It rained almost every day in September and killed my biking motivation. Add to that my two oldest kids are in school full time. It's been an adjustment period for the whole family. I think we've finally worked out a routine that for the most part works.

Last week I finally found a routine that works for me at home. With winter around the corner I know I'm not going to go outside to exercise. I came across a link from About.com that has a circuit of calisthenic type cardio exercises. They're simple, but effective and I'm completely out of breath after 10 minutes. You can't go wrong doing froggy jumps and prisoner squats. =)

Yes, for now I'm only doing about 10 minutes of cardio and then I hit the weights for about 25 - 45 minutes depending on which day I'm on. I've got 4 work out days. I've been at it for two weeks and managed to work out twice the first week, three times last week. This week the plan is to complete all 4 work out days. 

A friend of mine sent me this blog post that really struck a chord with me. It's all about the Myth of Motivation. How so often people have false starts and a lack of motivation to stick to it. If this is you I highly recommend taking a few minutes to read it.

Here's a little exerpt:
 So if you find yourself sitting at the train stop waiting for the motivation train, I’m here to pass along the memo that train has been canceled and it never really led anywhere in the first place. Do it because it needs to be done. It’s like brushing your teeth, it’s not optional if you want to keep all of your original teeth in your head. Don’t make your health optional or dependent on anything as fleeting as motivation. 

Since I read this article I've been scheduling workouts into my day and making a point of doing them. I'm not saying I've found some surefire cure to my workout plan. So far this is working and maybe not relying on motivation is the key to actually sticking to it. It's no longer a choice, it's a necessity.

Although I would like to mention that since August 7th I have lost 9 lbs. I've joined a group of women in a bet to lose 10 lbs in 2 months and to keep it off for another 2 months. It starts today and the goal date is December 18th.

Wish me luck!
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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Procrastination

Good Morning.

So, I procrastinated today. I slept in till 5:50, did the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, took out the recycling, and then left myself with about 10 minutes to read my bible.

Let me back up a little... I did fairly well with the eating yesterday, but I went to Wal-Mart to grab a couple of things we'd missed in school supplies. For the record this was the WORST idea ever. Never go to Wal-Mart the day AFTER Labor Day AND the first day of school! It was a mad house and not just there, but everywhere...add to that heavy rain and traffic...no fun. I really wanted Starbucks and went there after shopping. Traffic was insane, but I was all yea coffee, till I turned the corner through the drive through and saw the sign that said the debit machine was out. I waited and waited to get OUT of the drive through and decided I'd get money out at the RBC which is right beside Starbucks...waited and waited...and then parked too far from their weird messed up machine. So, I gave up and TRIED to go home, again with the traffic.

I got home and was in such a foul mood..no strike that I was ANGRY! I then gave the kids a bath together, cuz I wasn't in the mood for waiting around. I get all the kids to bed and of course they keep messing around. We went into the basement hoping that ignoring them would work...instead the kids kept coming down. I gave up and tried to go to bed myself, but I was NOT tired at 9 pm and that just made me angrier which led me to start thinking about ice cream. I then went on a mission to find said ice cream...two stores later I ate two giants cups of peppermint fudge crackle felt better AND worse.

OK, back to this morning. I procrastinated reading the bible because I knew I hadn't been feeling very Christ-like last night. I believe I even cursed out a few people while driving. Although, normally I just say screw it and eat whatever I want for the next week and completely ignore my bible. So, I'm happy to say that I'm still on track. I didn't read much, but I did read John 17. Here are the excerpts that stood out for me today:

3Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.

15My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.

22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 

I find it extremely hard fully believe I can be loved like that by God. I know it, but at times emotionally I can't believe it. From time to time I still wonder why my husband loves me or why my friends love me. Then I remind myself that if they didn't care, they wouldn't be in my life. So, I must be doing something right for all these people to care about me, especially people not related to me. 

They care about me for me not because they "have" to. There's a saying that blood is thicker than water. I find it's usually family that uses this term as a way to make one feel guilty. I've surrounded myself with my OWN family. The one I've chosen. There was a time my family and I weren't getting along and we had no contact. It was during this time that I found ways of surrounding myself with the family of my own choosing. The friends who're like sisters or brothers to me. 

My church became a big part of my family. These "strangers" have helped me (and now us) through so much. I'm eternally grateful for them and I'm eternally grateful to God for pushing me in the direction of Barrhaven Fellowship. I stood one day at the railway tracks on Jockvale Road debating between Barrhaven United and Barrhaven Fellowship. I'd already been to the United once and nothing really stood out there. So, with some urging from God I crossed the road and was greeted by the most amazing people who I'm proud to call my family. 

Wow, so not sure where that all came from today... See this is why blogging is good, stuff comes out that you weren't expecting.

I'll leave you with pictures I took of the kids yesterday.




Have a great day! 
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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Off to a Good Start

Well, I managed to wake up at 5:40 this morning, which for me is early. I admit it, I've been spoiled by working from home. It's really nice to be able to roll out of bed at 6:30 or so, grab breakfast and hop onto the computer to start work for 7 am. 

Last night I made a schedule of sorts to follow throughout the day. It's more so I can plan things out better and try to set specific times for things like homework and bedtime. I'm happy to say I managed to get a few things done this morning. I straightened up the kitchen, made breakfast and coffee, set the kids breakfast up and read my bible.

This morning I read John 15-16. I just wanted to share with you the verses that stood out for me from John 15: 
 
9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.  

12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 

 17This is my command: Love each other.

19If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 

I blogged last night about how I haven't been very faithful lately and that I wanted to start sharing that part of my life. I believe that's why those verses held so much meaning for me today. I've been watching TV shows and listening to music that isn't exactly good for the soul. I find myself disturbed by some of it so why am I watching or listening to it? To fit in? To follow the world? I've got to do what's right for me and what's healthy for my life. I've just been taking my sweet time to get to this point. I love to fight change and then wonder why it took me so long.

That being said I'm not quite there with the subject of tattoos. I'm sure a lot of my friends don't understand, but for me right now it's a form of expression. I think maybe that sounds cliche, but then again there's a reason things become cliche....cuz they're true. So, my latest tattoo is from a sundial I took a picture of at the Botanical Gardens. It's on my left forearm. 

On another note, I kind of took a week off exercising and tracking calories. Last Monday I injured my wrist while biking. I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but I guess I put too much pressure on the right side of my right wrist.  It still hurts today, but not nearly as much as it did  last week. So, today I am back to tracking my calories and I'm hoping the weather holds up so I can get in a bike ride this afternoon. 

I think I'm about done for now. I may post again today if i get the chance. I've been meaning to start reviewing other blogs. I guess I should pick a day of the week to do this...
 
Me: "Sonia, pick a day of the week..."
Sonia: "lol uhmmmm Friday?"

Done. So, stay tuned dear blog readers this Friday will be my first blog review. (Please be gentle.) I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uyv1jUDLY3s

Monday, September 6, 2010

A New Beginning

Tomorrow is the first day back to school for my oldest child and it's time to get everyone into a routine, including myself. 

For those of you who know me, you know I'm a Christian. For those who know me well know I don't act very Christ-like at the best of times. I've been struggling with my walk in faith for some time now. Not because I don't believe, but because I'm a procrastinator. 

So, I've decided to start blogging about my faith along with my journey through life. I've put a lot of thought into this and if I can't share my faith through Being Elle, then I'm not showing you ALL of being me. I don't promise to blog every day, but I do promise to be open and honest.  

This is me...expressing myself...this is me...Being Elle.

Good night, God Bless and I'll be talking to ya'll tomorrow!

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Little Things

my son gives me strengthImage by horizontal.integration via FlickrHello my dear blog readers. It's been a long time. I've been busy living life! Isn't that an amazing idea? To live life?

Well, it's been a long hard road but I feel as though I've come so far in this past year. That I've grown so much. I don't know how to explain it other than I feel like I got my groove back, but it's more than that. It's as though I never had a groove and I'm just getting it for the first time. Does that make sense to anyone but me?

It's the little things.

Things like buying a pair of heels that are actually stylish. Or how I love Starbucks so much the locals know me by name. Or how I love driving and my husband makes fun of me for feeling the Gs. For the record I don't speed I just accelerate quickly. =)

I'm trying new things like drawing and painting with water colors. I'm thinking I may eventually even take a class. I've really started  to enjoy biking. Rather I've rediscovered my love of biking. I bought a speedometer and found that I have a competitive streak. I love knowing how fast I'm going and beating my previous speeds even if it's only for a few seconds.

I've lost 6 lbs since August 7th. I found a new application for my HTC Magic. It's amazing. My Fitness Pal (MFP) is so much easier to use than the Fat Secret application I attempted to use previously. Don't get me wrong Fat Secret is great, but it just wasn't right for me. It works so well that I've consistently been tracking calories for 15 days. Don’t get me wrong just because I've been tracking doesn’t necessarily mean I've stayed within my calories for the day, but I'm on my way. Sometimes it's all about the right tools that work for you where you are in your life now. 

It's the little things.

Like I binged the other day but I only ate half the container of Haagen Dazs Rocky Road and I've always finished it before. I know it's not a huge step but it is a step in the right direction.

I met with a friend of mine last week. Heather and I haven't physically seen each other in 6 years. We went to high school and both moved the summer after grade 10. We've kept in touch over the years. 

We spent 3 hours in a coffee shop talking as though we'd never spent time apart. It's amazing how some friendships are like that. That’s the mark of a true friendship.

Well, at the end of our visit she mentioned how much I've changed over the years. How I'm so much more confident in my own skin than I ever was before. Amazing how one comment can open your eyes to see those changes. Obviously, I'm not perfect and I have a lot of growing to do in other ways, but it's amazing to just BE ME!

Wow! It's amazing how writing a blag can bring on revelations about oneself. I was just reminded of my trip  in February to Circle Square Ranch for a Christian women's retreat. When I was had prayed for God to give me 2 words. Well I got a phrase… Be Still and Wait Patiently. Here's an exerpt from my blog about the retreat:
Two Words
When Heidi started the first session she talked about her two words from God. Each year almost like a New Years Resolution, she prays for God to give her two words. Sometimes its a word or two and other times it may be a phrase or bible passage. I prayed for two words for my weekend and in the stillness of the morning I found the words: Be Still and Wait Patiently. This is not something I do well. I find it difficult to sit quietly. When I read those words from Psalm 37 I knew it was a message God wanted me to hear.
While I knew the phrase struck a chord with me, I wasn't entirely sure why. Is this what I've been waiting for? To be still and wait patiently to be me? To be able to just BE in my own skin?
It's the little things.

Hi! I'm Elle! It's nice to meet me! For the first time in my life I am truly happy to be me.
It's the little things... 
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Saturday, July 31, 2010

No Pain No Gain?

A bottle of 50 200mg Advil capletsImage via Wikipedia
Well, I had a good week with working out and then Sunday night went to bed in tears from back pain. I'm not sure if it was biking, weight lifting or if it was the reverse crunches that messed my back up. I didn't lift anything too heavy so I am pretty sure it was the reverse crunches since the pain is more around my tailbone than just my lower back. Also, I'm inclined to believe it had nothing to do with muscle since Advil and back pain medication did nothing for my pain. A friend gave me her leftover T3s (there were only 5) and these didn't help with the pain, but did help me get a good nights sleep at least.

It's now Friday after work and I'm on the bus as I type this. My back still hurts, but no where near as badly as the first few days. I wanted to take 2 days off and start again, but at this point I don`t want to further mess up my back. I'm going to start fresh after the weekend.

I've continued to try and limit my food intake. I still haven't had any cookies,  but I had a hefty piece of buttermilk pie Sunday night. I admit that there were a few times I used my pain as an excuse to eat. However, I did not use it as an excuse to eat poorly every day all day. I`m not sure that I'll lose any weight this week without the working out, but I'm sure I will have at least maintained what I've already lost.

I'm still enjoying my new outlook on life. I've been craving healthier foods a lot more than the fattier foods. I've got hot sausages in the freezer that I haven't wanted to eat because of the grease. Just one example of small changes I`ve notices in myself lately.

I will keep you posted on my return to fitness.
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Sunday, July 25, 2010

Week 1 Complete

A complete weight training workout can be perf...Image via Wikipedia
Sunday: Lower Body (Weeks 1-4)

DAY:
5
DATE:
July 25, 2010
TIME:
Cardio 6:30 am Weights 10:30 am
CARDIO TODAY?
YES
EXERCISE
Biking
DURATION
28:40 (3.28 miles)
LENGTH OF WORKOUT:
1 hour
WEIGHT:
65 lbs
LOCATION:
Home
MOOD WHEN STARTING:
Didn't want to do cardio this morning, but I did it anyway. Felt much better about working out when it came time to do my weight training.


EXERCISE
Set #1
Set #2
Set #3
Deadlift: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
15x12
15x12
15x12
Barbell Squat: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
15x12
15x12
15x12
Dumbbell Lunges: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
5x12
5x12
5x12
DB Seated One-Leg Calf Raise: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
20x12
20x12
20x12
Dumbbell Shrugs: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
10x12
10x12
10x12
Reverse Crunch: 3 sets of 10-15 reps
15
15
15
Superman: 3 sets of 10-15 reps
15
15
15

TRAINING, NUTRITION & SUPPLEMENT NOTES:
Today went really well. I'm exhausted yet energized! YAY for exercise highs! I had a hard time with the ab work because my abs still hurt from Wednesday's workout. I wanted to give up while doing Superman. Funny, it's the "easiest" of all the exercises for the day but mentally the hardest. However,  I DID IT! I completed WEEK 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Something to Smile About

Well, I promised that I would tell you all how my trial with Yaz goes. So, just a quick note to keep you all up to date. 

I have to say things are better. I still had a few bad days but overall life is manageable again! I'm nearing the end of month 2 so I'm feeling confident that this is the solution for me. I've also started exercising again which can only help with my PMDD symptoms. My caffeine consumption overall is a lot less too. I know I'm not "cured" by any means.

I'm just happy that I can enjoy life more! Life isn't much fun when you're angry all the time. For now, I'll leave you with a fun song by Lily Allen. Until next time! Enjoy!

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Friday, July 23, 2010

Working Out...Again

Hello Peeps! We bought a weight bench AND  I'm actually enjoying using it! I found a 12 week workout for women from BodyBuilding.com called The Female Training Bible. There is a lot of information to go through and somewhere in the middle is the 12 week training guide. I absolutely love the Body Building site because it has everything. You can look up exercises and find other exercises that work the same muscle group. I especially find this useful since there were some exercises I'm not able to do yet. Like pull-ups and dips. My muscles are definitely not ready to hold up or pull up 243.6 lbs!

So far I prefer the leg workouts but that`s because I have more muscle in my legs and find it easier. I`m excited to see how my muscles are going to form. 

Alright let me break down the 12 weeks a bit for ya`ll. In general I`ll be working out 4 days a week. Cardio in the morning, weight training at night. The 12 week program is separated into 3 sections:
Weeks 1-4: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
Weeks 5-8: weight increase and 3 sets of 6-8 reps 
Weeks 9-12: weight increase and 3 sets for 4-6 reps

Each week will break down something like this:
Monday: cardio a.m. upper body weight training p.m. 
Tuesday: cardio a.m. lower body weight training p.m.
Wednesday: Off 
Thursday: cardio a.m. upper body weight training p.m.  
Friday: cardio a.m. lower body weight training p.m.  
Saturday: Off
Sunday: Off

Now my week will change depending on what days I am working in the office. Usually, I work from home 4 days a week. I`ll be figuring out my next week`s schedule when I get my work schedule Friday`s. Regardless, I will be working out 4 days a week.

Here is today's workout:

Friday: Upper Body (Weeks 1-4)
DAY:
3
DATE:
July 23, 2010
TIME:
 11:30 am
CARDIO TODAY?
YES
EXERCISE
The Barefoot Dancer
DURATION
20 minutes
LENGTH OF WORKOUT:
40 minutes
WEIGHT:
65 lbs
LOCATION:
Home
MOOD WHEN STARTING:
Optimistic




 
EXERCISE
Set #1
Set #2
Set #3
Reverse Triceps Bench Press: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
15x12
15x12
15x12
Bent Arm Barbell Pull Over: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
15x12
15x12
15x12
Side Lateral Raises: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
5x12
5x12
5x12
Incline Barbell Triceps Ext: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
15x12
15x12
15x12
Barbell Curl: 3 sets of 8-12 reps
15x12
15x12
15x12

TRAINING, NUTRITION & SUPPLEMENT NOTES:
Had a migraine last night that left me exhausted this morning. I didn't do my cardio, but at 11:30 I found I had the energy to work out and followed a TV workout The Barefoot Dancer.
I didn’t work as hard as I could have but I was trying to get used to the selected exercises. I'm sure the next workout will be better.

NOTE - I realized that I haven't had any cookies in a few days. I have had mocha's from Starbucks but usually I have several cookies a day. Now that I've realized it I notice I'm not craving them either. I really hope to continue with this!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Rant - Sporting Goods Stores

Today marks Day 3 of getting healthy. I've been doing okay for the most part but not great. I ended up eating junk late last night and while still in my calorie range it definitely wasn't healthy or helpful. I'm not giving up. I know this is my umpteenth try at getting healthy and losing weight but if I don't try I'll never get there. 

I'm ticked off. I know that I'm a large woman. Scratch that. I know I'm fat. I also know that I'm not the only fat person in the world, let alone the city of Ottawa. So, why is it that stores that sell sports clothing do not carry anything larger than L or XL? (At least not in the women's sections.) Like come on! How are people who are struggling to lose weight and get healthy supposed to feel when they can't find anything to work out in? At times it can be a setback. 

I have a bike again and I'd really like to find some bike shorts. Apparently, that's not going to happen until after I've already lost all my weight. Thanks..that's helpful. I'm going to check out a few more stores, and at this point I don't even care if they're men's or women's bike shorts. In fact it's not even just bike shorts. Try and find any decent athletic wear for someone larger than an XL, it's next to impossible.

You know what else bothers me? That fat people are made to feel even worse when they finally do something about their weight. Now, I know some of it is our own insecurities, but not always. You walk into a sporting goods store and no one offers to help you. Walk into a supplement store and they practically scoff at you. It's like "Hello! I know I'm fat. Don't you think if anyone should be here it's me?" I just find this utterly ridiculous.

I get very self-conscious when I workout. I find it very hard to go into public to workout. Going for walks is the worst, because I find myself looking at the people running by thinking they're judging me. I've seen a few looks to prove that theory although I admit a lot of the time it's mostly just me judging me. 

I find it easier with biking. I'm not in the same spot for long and I enjoy it so much I usually don't think about being the fat girl on a bike. I'm hoping to start biking this weekend. I overdid it the first day out with my seat in the wrong position. As you can imagine...that led to a problem sitting back down on my bike seat. For now I am letting myself heal before starting up again. I'm hoping to log a lot of miles this summer.

Here's a picture of my bike and helmet:




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Saturday, June 19, 2010

Old Baggage

No drinking signImage via Wikipedia
As I've grown through my life I've learned to let go of the past and look toward the future. At times, I've had to remove myself from situations or distance myself from certain people. All of these steps have helped me grow into the person I am today. For the most part I'm a strong and confident woman, wife and mother. 

There are times when little things sneak up on you that you thought were long gone. I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I have to say I was never physically abused and the purpose of my writing this is not to point fingers or lay blame. I've made my peace with the past a long time ago. There are, however, aspects not specific to any one person or event that are affecting me now. 

In addition to an alcoholic parent, I've also been in a relationships with alcoholics. Now, I'm not condoning having a drink here and there. I've been known to drink in my day. Although, I can no longer drink any alcohol at all. There's some sort of enzyme thingy that I'll just equate to being allergic to alcohol. By the way, I love when people say to just drink through it. Really? Do you really think that's good advice? 

Okay, so my long winded way of getting to the point is this - lately I've been really bothered by the smell of alcohol. Rationally, I know people have a drink or two and rationally I'm okay with this. Emotionally, I feel like a defensive little girl who has to walk on eggshells to avoid conflict. That's what it feels like and I still don't think that's accurate enough. 

I smell alcohol and immediately my back is in the air like a cat sensing danger. I keep my distance so I can still carry on a normal conversation, meanwhile my insides are churning. I'm not sure I can really articulate how I feel about it but I felt I had to try. I have to get this out and written down. I need to release whatever this is. 

It's been so long since I've been able to drink even an occasional glass of wine. Honestly, I no longer see the appeal. Then again I could say the same about cigarettes. When you've removed yourself for so long it loses it's appeal and you wonder what was so good about it to begin with. 

At a retreat I went to earlier this year the speaker talked about forgiveness. When you release something and you ask God's forgiveness, it's gone - forever. The devil loves to play the shame card and remind us of our past sins. So, I'm going to remind myself that it wasn't my fault the people in my past were alcoholics. I'm a stronger person today because of what I went through. Ultimately, I am FORGIVEN. No one can take that away. 

Let Go - Let God!
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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

You Are My Sunshine!

The woman's eye has had mascara applied to the...Image via Wikipedia
I just had to share with you all today that I'm in such a super awesome mood! I'm going on vacation tomorrow to be in one of my dearest friend's weddings! I had my hair fixed last night by an amazing stylist! I started taking Yaz so I feel like I'm actually DOING something about my PMDD! Don't worry I know I wouldn't feel it's effects yet. I'm just happy to be trying something to help manage the PMDD. It's days like today that remind me I am NOT depressed. This is NOT depression. I'm currently in the good weeks, I've got until somewhere around the 18th before The Crazies set in again. 

OH! So, I find as I get older the more girlie I get. Okay, feminine I'm too old for girlie. This weekend my lil sis came by and showed me how to do my makeup for the wedding. I mean I wear makeup but the bare essentials, eye liner and mascara. I've never been confident enough to put eye liner on the top of my lid so she showed me how. She also made me promise to practice every day. Thank you Dre. I think I've got the hang of it and I'm liking it!! I still haven't been confident enough to put liner on the outside of my bottom lid, but that's okay. I came up with my own style. Liner on outside of the top lid and liner on the inside of the bottom one. I like it and I think that's what matters. I'll even wear color on my lips the day of the wedding! Ha ha that's huge for me!

Anyhoo, this is probably my last post until after my vacation. Pray for safe travels for those of us traveling to Pennsylvania and back. 

I love you all! Smile and have a great week/weekend!

~PEACE~
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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

More on PMDD - Yaz It Up!

Symbol of the planet and Roman goddess Venus, ...Image via Wikipedia
Well, I finally did it; I met my mum-in-law's doctor. The doctor seems nice enough and I found it easier to talk to a female doctor about my PMDD. Although, I did have to explain what it was - which kind of caught me off guard. You expect a doctor to just know everything which is totally unrealistic, but we still expect it. 

I should have gone in there with a definition of PMDD because I'm sure I missed something. She thinks I should be on anti-depressants, but I stressed that I do not have benefits. So, we're going to try me on Yaz birth control for 3 months. I'll go back to see her in 2 months to see how things are going. I guess she'll decide at that time if she wants to officially take me as a patient. She said she'd take me on for now. I have no idea what that means, but I'll take it since I currently have no doctor. Besides she gave me 3 months of trial packs of Yaz - free!

It still amazes me that medical professionals don't believe certain illnesses/disorders do not exist because there is no blood test to prove it. It's like Fibromyalgia - a lot of doctors still think it's in a patients head. With PMDD they think it's just PMS

I tried to explain that my symptoms are only surrounding my period. The week or so before to a few days after my period. My "normal" time I'm relatively happy and thankful for my life. How is that depression? Isn't depression ALL the time? Not just surrounding your period? 

Now, I know there's no miracle cure, but I'm feeling hopeful to actually be trying something to relieve my symptoms. I've read a lot of information on Yaz. Yes, even the lawsuit stuff about how the commercials are misleading women to think that all of their symptoms will be gone. I never expected they'd all be gone and I still don't expect Yaz to "cure" me but if it helps relieve some or most of my symptoms it's worth a try isn't it? I've also read a lot of comments on other women's success/failure with Yaz. Looking at them as a whole it seems the women Yaz didn't work for generally have problems with any birth control pill. I know it's been many years since I've taken anything but I don't recall any trouble when I took birth control before.

I've also read how many women developed PMDD after getting their tubes tied, which is when mine started as well. When I mentioned this to the doctor she dismissed it since tubaligation does not affect your hormones. Now, I admit I always had bad periods (at least at the time I thought they were bad). They always lasted the full 7 days and they were always heavy (again what I thought was heavy at the time). 

I have a theory. My theory is that it is ALL related. I mean I started my period shortly before my 9th birthday and I'm now 30. I've had 3 babies and had my tubes tied. Add to that my weight. You put all of those things together and I think the tubaligation threw my body out of whack. When many women go through similar things I don't think a doctor can discount it just because the procedure itself doesn't affect hormones.

Doctors are smart, but diagnosing an illness is not the same as living with it. Ask the husband of any PMDD affected woman and he'll tell you this is not regular PMS. Ask the children of moms with PMDD. 

- sigh- 

My poor kids. I wonder if they think I hate them. It seems I'm always so frustrated with them. All I ever do is yell (or cry for that matter).

TO ALL THE DOCTORS OUT THERE:
PMDD exists! I don't care how many of you try to pawn it off as depression. This is not depression. Anti-depressants will only help so much. You can't treat just one of the symptoms. You have to treat it for what it is. It IS Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Try to listen to your patients. Don't roll your eyes. Broaden your horizons and maybe read up on an illness/disorder you don't know much about. That is the best way to truly help your patient.

I know my thoughts are kind of all over the place, but hey that's how my brain works. I will keep you posted on how things go with Yaz. For now, I've got to kick my butt into high gear. I've got a wedding to go to! I leave Thursday morning and I haven't started packing yet. I did pull out the suitcase which is usually half the battle. Have a great day. 

Oh and my new mantra.... Let Go - Let God. When I get super stressed out I repeat this to myself.So, my friends do not worry about anything - Let Go and Let God.Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Guilt Within

Cover of "The Crazies"Cover of The Crazies
Why is it as parents, as human beings we feel guilty over everything?! I know I can't trust my emotions right now, that I'm in full PMDD swing, but it all starts somewhere doesn't it? I mean really the reasons I get upset are valid it's my overreaction to everything that's not. 

So here it is...I feel like I'm this monster of a mom and while I know right now I'm overreacting I also know that I'm right. The television is my substitute. This week I can't be in the same room as my kids for long without something setting me off. I gave the kids a bath tonight and when the boys ignored my request for them to turn around and face me so I could wash their hair I yelled. Literally hurting my throat trying to get their attention. So valid in that the kids were ignoring me but my overreaction was totally not valid. Herein-lies the problem of my monster within. 

How do people do it? When they get really stressed out? How do they cope with still having to get through the day to day stuff? How does one calmly put her kids to bed without screaming at the top of her lungs? I miss being able to sing to them and say good night.

Guilt is everywhere. From little things like spending any money on something just for yourself, putting aside a friend you're too busy to see, procrastinating at all those little things that need to get done, to the big stuff like going on a trip and leaving the kids with your spouse. A lot of people have guilt over the past and can't let it go. Or guilt for the future. Guilt is everywhere. 

With PMDD I have the extra guilt from when my emotions get out of control and I snap. Today is one of those days. I've started calling days like today the crazies, as in it's just the crazies or the crazies have me.

With all of this I know what most of you are thinking, why don't you go see your doctor? Well, I tried in September. I called the doctor but it was going to take over a month to see him. Finally in December I find a new doctor and go see him. When I told him about the PMDD he rolled his eyes! I know he's a man, but really?! Then I went back to ignoring the problem. Well, as things have been steadily getting worse I knew I needed to go to the doctor. I called my original doctor to find out Hey he's no longer practicing! So, my mum-in-law went to see her doc recently (a FEMALE doctor!) and she asked her to take me on. The doctor agreed and I have an appointment June 7th. Wish me luck! I'm going to talk to her about many things, the main one being PMDD.

I often joke that I need a break from my kids. I came to a realization tonight. The truth of the matter is that I don't need a break from the kids what I really need is a break from myself. With that thought, I'm off to have a nice long shower and then watch this weeks episode of Glee.
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