Old Baggage

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As I've grown through my life I've learned to let go of the past and look toward the future. At times, I've had to remove myself from situations or distance myself from certain people. All of these steps have helped me grow into the person I am today. For the most part I'm a strong and confident woman, wife and mother. 

There are times when little things sneak up on you that you thought were long gone. I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I have to say I was never physically abused and the purpose of my writing this is not to point fingers or lay blame. I've made my peace with the past a long time ago. There are, however, aspects not specific to any one person or event that are affecting me now. 

In addition to an alcoholic parent, I've also been in a relationships with alcoholics. Now, I'm not condoning having a drink here and there. I've been known to drink in my day. Although, I can no longer drink any alcohol at all. There's some sort of enzyme thingy that I'll just equate to being allergic to alcohol. By the way, I love when people say to just drink through it. Really? Do you really think that's good advice? 

Okay, so my long winded way of getting to the point is this - lately I've been really bothered by the smell of alcohol. Rationally, I know people have a drink or two and rationally I'm okay with this. Emotionally, I feel like a defensive little girl who has to walk on eggshells to avoid conflict. That's what it feels like and I still don't think that's accurate enough. 

I smell alcohol and immediately my back is in the air like a cat sensing danger. I keep my distance so I can still carry on a normal conversation, meanwhile my insides are churning. I'm not sure I can really articulate how I feel about it but I felt I had to try. I have to get this out and written down. I need to release whatever this is. 

It's been so long since I've been able to drink even an occasional glass of wine. Honestly, I no longer see the appeal. Then again I could say the same about cigarettes. When you've removed yourself for so long it loses it's appeal and you wonder what was so good about it to begin with. 

At a retreat I went to earlier this year the speaker talked about forgiveness. When you release something and you ask God's forgiveness, it's gone - forever. The devil loves to play the shame card and remind us of our past sins. So, I'm going to remind myself that it wasn't my fault the people in my past were alcoholics. I'm a stronger person today because of what I went through. Ultimately, I am FORGIVEN. No one can take that away. 

Let Go - Let God!