The Guilt Within

Cover of The Crazies

Why is it as parents, as human beings we feel guilty over everything?! I know I can't trust my emotions right now, that I'm in full PMDD swing, but it all starts somewhere doesn't it? I mean really the reasons I get upset are valid it's my overreaction to everything that's not. 

So here it is...I feel like I'm this monster of a mom and while I know right now I'm overreacting I also know that I'm right. The television is my substitute. This week I can't be in the same room as my kids for long without something setting me off. I gave the kids a bath tonight and when the boys ignored my request for them to turn around and face me so I could wash their hair I yelled. Literally hurting my throat trying to get their attention. So valid in that the kids were ignoring me but my overreaction was totally not valid. Herein-lies the problem of my monster within. 

How do people do it? When they get really stressed out? How do they cope with still having to get through the day to day stuff? How does one calmly put her kids to bed without screaming at the top of her lungs? I miss being able to sing to them and say good night.

Guilt is everywhere. From little things like spending any money on something just for yourself, putting aside a friend you're too busy to see, procrastinating at all those little things that need to get done, to the big stuff like going on a trip and leaving the kids with your spouse. A lot of people have guilt over the past and can't let it go. Or guilt for the future. Guilt is everywhere. 

With PMDD I have the extra guilt from when my emotions get out of control and I snap. Today is one of those days. I've started calling days like today the crazies, as in it's just the crazies or the crazies have me.

With all of this I know what most of you are thinking, why don't you go see your doctor? Well, I tried in September. I called the doctor but it was going to take over a month to see him. Finally in December I find a new doctor and go see him. When I told him about the PMDD he rolled his eyes! I know he's a man, but really?! Then I went back to ignoring the problem. Well, as things have been steadily getting worse I knew I needed to go to the doctor. I called my original doctor to find out Hey he's no longer practicing! So, my mum-in-law went to see her doc recently (a FEMALE doctor!) and she asked her to take me on. The doctor agreed and I have an appointment June 7th. Wish me luck! I'm going to talk to her about many things, the main one being PMDD.

I often joke that I need a break from my kids. I came to a realization tonight. The truth of the matter is that I don't need a break from the kids what I really need is a break from myself. With that thought, I'm off to have a nice long shower and then watch this weeks episode of Glee.