I've come to realize that I've been over thinking this whole blog thing again. I find when my mind is in chaos I avoid writing. I guess I'm tired of telling the world that I'm a complete mess. I want a happy, positive, exciting blog where people will read it and talk about it. In reality, I want people to talk about me and say good things about me. Ah, the ego is such a fickle thing.
The truth is this, I enjoy writing. I first started this blog for myself and if it helped someone else that would be a great bonus.
The past couple of years have been a time of self discovery. I wish I could say that I have all the answers or even some answers for myself. I truly don't have any answers. In some ways I wish I could go back to when I thought I knew what I wanted out of life. I really thought all I wanted was a stable job, decent hours, stat holidays off. I thought that would be enough for me. What I'm discovering in this journey is that I need more. This is causing me some guilt. Why can't what I have now just be enough? I am truly blessed with an amazing husband and three healthy unique children whom I love dearly. But even this isn't enough. And that makes me feel like a horrible person. If I'm really honest I'd also admit that my spiritual life is in dire straights. At my core I know what I believe, however, I have a nonexistent spiritual discipline. I come up with plans and ideas but have no follow through. I crave a relationship with God and yet I do nothing about it. Again, with the guilt.
So, there you have it. The whole ugly truth. I started this blog to vent my crazies and somewhere along the line I decided people wouldn't want to read about all my mad ramblings. I've become hidden in this bubble of trying to please others and worrying about someone taking offence. Well, I will still try not to be blatantly offensive. I wouldn't want to hurt someone on purpose, but this blog is called Being Elle. It's time to find her again.
Wish me luck!
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